August 14th, 2011 - Day 36 of 60

At this point, the best way I can describe how I am feeling is like someone who doesn't know what to do with their hands.  You know the type, standing in the corner and desperately trying to look casual and normal while doing nothing but reinforcing how unwieldy they really are. The odd thing is that I felt the most "normal" when I was just doing smoothies.  That phase, of course, is the most unnatural part of the gig.  But now, in this awkward 'tween stage, I am starting to feel like I am waiting for things to just end so I can get on with it (whatever "it" is). I am the bad haircut that needs to grow out so something can be done with it.  Dodging social engagements and other temptations is a lot more work than I imagined.

As I examine it, I am having a hard time figuring out why this might be.  There is no good reason.  I think part of the reason might be my tongue has not caught up to my brain.  Perhaps it is analogous to the city dweller going into the country and finding themselves unable to sleep for all the quiet?  I went to the grocery store a couple hours ago because I needed bananas.  I didn't need anything else, but I really, really needed those bananas.  So, list in hand, I entered the store and found myself mentally crossing off all the things I wasn't able to purchase.  Normally, I just look at the list and shop.  I have enough produce at home, but that didn't stop me from lingering in the produce aisle.  It was filled with familiar and non-threatening friends, while the rest of the store was rife with dangerous characters.  I tried to mentally conjure what it was like living so very long ago when there wasn't a supermarket within driving distance.  I wondered what it must have been like not to have a choice between, literally, hundreds of chocolate products in one place.  I tried to fathom a time when seeing tons of fresh produce spread out before you was nothing more than a fantasy.  I tried to wrap my head head around not having access to the cuisine of foreign lands within minutes of being on your tongue. When your body has been so conditioned to eat whatever it wants, whenever it wants, the idea that so many choices may not be such a wonderful thing after all is not so far-fetched. It helps when you know most of this uneasiness is in your head.  You can look at the feeling, name it, and then remind yourself that you will most certainly live without a roast beef sandwich.

A steady rain has droned on and on for the last 18 or so hours.  The rain convinces you to remain quiet and immobile.  That makes your mind the most active part of your body.  When your mind has free time it can get into trouble.  And, obviously, it wants to bring the rest of the body along for the ride.  It makes you think about the food you are eating, the food you are not eating and all the reasons why it doesn't matter.  But, as I am fond of saying, everything matters.  Giving your mind freedom to wander is one thing; giving it the keys to your mouth is another.  After my shopping sojourn I found that a couple bananas with almond butter quieted all the chirpy parts of myself. 

The world is not configured for raw vegans.  The next 24 days will be much more challenging than I anticipated. I've eaten raw vegan for months at a time and never had issues like this.  It is at times like these that I understand why some people prefer life behind bars rather than out in the world.  When you are free to eat whatever you wish or are able to do whatever you wish, such choices can be paralyzing for some.  But when you are told when and how to do everything, life takes on a comfortable... well, freedom. 

"What will it be today, sir?  Smoothie?  Excellent choice.  It is our most popular item."

Progress: 

I am 60% through the 60 days.

Weight: 147.9 lbs.

Held steady.

Food: Cherries, Watermelon, Bananas, Salad, Nuts and Raw Cacao/Goji treats.

Vegan sashimi: watermelon

This will get you through anything.